Pink Martini

As I sat watching the fireworks, my tears welled up in my eyes. I tried very hard to contain it ,hopefully they flow into my huge eyebags instead of trickling down my cheeks, but to no avail. Soon, my cheeks were wet.

Funny but this behaviour doesn't seem to go with the crowd as everyone cheered and clapped in welcome of the New Year. I was mixed, with overwhelming feelings of relief, thankfulness and anticipation. Relief, for the ending of 2005 as it was a year full of changes. I'm talking about huge changes, with my life going a full circle and back to starting point. Thankfulness, for the great friendship, love and acceptance that I had from my family and friends, that helped me pull through the difficult times. And anticipation of a great year ahead, wishing in my heart, the best for everyone around me as I relish the blessings bestowed by them.

It is hard to explain, even to my loved ones why do I feel so emotional about New Year's Eve. It's a day of significance for me as I recalled the night I plucked up the courage to leave the things behind and walked towards a new lease of life. Guess every New Year's Eve would bring me memories of that fateful night where my actions caused so much hurt, pain and disbelief in my loved ones. Its over now and I should just put it behind.

And to 2005, thanks for the great lessons and trials that you have put me through for I believe that I have become stronger now. You will always be remembered and will serve as my source of reminder for my life ahead.

Let It Go
I was waiting for a cab this morning as I was late for work (due to the drinks last night, hehe). As I was waiting, a lady walked right in front of me and acted like I was transparent. I am a frequent (maybe an under statement) cab-taker and I will ALWAYS ask the people standing around or observe if they are waiting too and will NEVER cut their queue though we are not at a taxi stand. Then a cab pulled over at the lights and she conveniently took it even though she saw me. I was about to spout expletives (of course, silently in my head) then suddenly a voice in my head said "Hey, its Christmas. Let's be more forgiving. And maybe she does have a reason more urgent than yours." And with that voice, I felt myself softening and thought: "Oh well...its alright. I'll just wait."

Funnily, after about 3 minutes, the lady came out of the cab and waved to me, signaling for me to get on the cab. I was perplexed but still walked towards the cab and got onto it. Then the cab driver explained that the lady wanted to go to a school but doesn't have the address and both of them don't know where exactly it is. That's why she got down.

I thought, but the driver could have looked at the street directory right? Anyway, I was taken aback as I could just see the power of letting go and receiving happening there and then.

I think, many times in our lives, we choose to begrudge or bear negative thoughts about the people who did us wrong. But, unknowingly, these 'wrong' doings caused by them probably happened for a reason so that we will learn something from the experience. By forgiving and letting go, we may receive more than we expect to. Definitely more than whatever we get out of holding on to it for the rest of lives.

Sometimes, its just something very small, like in our daily interaction with people around us, like when someone shoves us in crowded places, or when someone has been rude to us, or when someone passes unkind remarks, to bigger things like betrayal, hurt, rejection, abandonment...

Imagine yourself as a closed bottle, all filled up with grudges and negative thoughts for everything that didn't go well....one day, this bottle will burst as the pressure built up is too great and out will fly all the things buried over the years...can you imagine the impact of that, it will be amplified a million times and you might become or do something that is beyond your own control.

So I've decided to think twice next time before I bitch about someone (which I did for 4 times last night...sorry) because letting go and forgiving might yield better results.

To a no-more-bitching Christmas and New Year to come, hohoho...

December 23, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)

I Love Christmas!
Christmas is my favourite time of the year, minus the jam packed MRT and shopping malls in Orchard. I love Christmas because we celebrate it as a family tradition. I love the anticipation of guessing what's my present and watching it under the tree as I count down. I love the carols. I love the candles. I love putting up the Christmas tree (can't say the same about taking it down..) and I love the togetherness of the family.

I love Christmas too because I have many memories for some of my past Christmases. Happy ones, sad ones, endearing ones.....but the worst one has got to be last year, and I vow never to spend another Christmas that way.

I'm glad that this Christmas will be better though it will be somewhat different with the passing of my Grandma and the relocation of my brother and sister-in-law. It will be seemingly quieter with fewer of us at home. But I have someone dear to spend it with me and this is the greatest present and I really don't need anything else. Though Christmas is a time for presents but I really think the greatest gift is to have your family and friends to be with you at this time of the year. A bonus will be to have someone special

So instead of scurrying around for gifts, do remember the greatest gift you can give is your time and presence to your loved ones. That will be the best you can give especially if you haven't been giving them your time the whole of this year. Have a heartwarming Christmas dinner at home and give thanks to each other.

And to all my friends and loved ones (and foes), I wish for you, peace, love and blessings for all Christmases to come.

December 18, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)

SMS-A blessed invention?
Can't help but feel so sad and mad for a friend whose relationship ended via an SMS. Can you beat that???? Have human beings become so lazy that they can't convey an important message with a call but they send short messages.

To me, its a total disrespect of any human relationship, that it should be taken so sloppily and was not worth even a one minute call to explain why things can't work out. I respect the fact that sometimes things just ain't gonna work out. Fair. But not having the courtesy to at least tell the person, even if it is a call, is totally unacceptable.

Or is this great invention of our decade causing a decadence in our values? Thought I read somewhere that in the press that a man apparently divorced his wife via SMS. What atrocity!!! The institution of love and marriage surely deserved more than this? I can only attribute the behaviour to a few factors. First of all, the guy must have been so ashamed that he has no guts to speak those words so he used the sms? Maybe, he is such a jerk so he thinks that that is the best he could do? Or perhaps, he is just so into the SMS culture that he thinks it is perfectly fine to do so? I certainly hope its the first two as they are the better possibilities between the devil and the deep blue sea. Else, we would have to start worrying what will this SMS culture translate into.

I have came across families that do not speak with one another in the house. They SMS. Maybe they are just trying to make full use of the free SMSes provided by the telephone company. Haha...how blatant. How difficult can it get to speak to one another if you are all living under the same roof? And I am not talking about that kind of deep conversation where you need to bare your soul. Its merely plain everyday routine questions like 'Are you having dinner at home?" etc. Are we trying to encourage non-verbal communication? What would our kids turn out to be? Can't verbalise their thoughts without their fingers on the buttons?

Surely you have met people who are so witty in their sms but can't say a proper sentence to you when they see you? I must say that practice makes perfect and if we do not start practicing how to speak to each other, I am afraid this aspect of socialisation would soon be lost to the easier counterpart - the SMS. Imagine a day where the parliament will be conducted with each desk with key pads and the MPs keying their inputs via SMS and transmitted to the screen.

So, is the SMS a blessed invention? I beg to differ.

December 15, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)

The Euphoria of Love
Falling in love is the most intense feeling that a human being can ever feel. I call it the EUPHORIA. It makes you smile all day, lose focus on everything else but your beau, looks good and most all of behaves like the whole world is just you and him/her.

I guess everyone just like me enjoys this 'high' but I think the hardest part to cope with is coming back to Earth. What happens when the euphoria is gone and goes off at different speeds for both of you. Painful.....

But we all need to come back to Earth. How do we live a life not focusing on anything but your partners? We are not living in heaven, at least not yet. Hopefully, when I go to heaven, I will have nothing to focus on but love. Coming back to Earth is like the most cruel phase of loving someone. Suddenly, all those silly things that you do for each other seem to be really silly now. Not before though....I often wish that the euphoria would last as long as it could be...cos I am one who lives by love...

December 13, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Reunion

Met up with Haiyun and Huiling at Essential Brew, the cool tea cafe at Holland Village. When Haiyun said Huiling was joining us, I was thinking that its the 'small' Huiling that was from the Arts class. My-my, when i saw Huiling, I was pleasantly surprised. I haven't seen her for 13years!!!! And who said Singapore's a small island, why din i bump into her since we left school?

We started to bitch about the good old days and who we hated in TKGS, teachers and classmates alike...no one was spared from our vivid description of their hideous behaviour...and with me around, having a superb memory stick in my CPU, I could provide the fun bits that included cruel nicknames like 'bulldog' and 'zhujiao'. Those who have been in TKGS would surely know who am I talking about, keke....(that is if they belong to my era)

Its so amazing as we talked about our lives as a teen like it was just yesterday...some of us made it, some of us made it even bigger, becoming celebrities (some sort lah, think Audrey would be please that I classify her under this group...) We agreed that the whole work would have been perfect if we have brought our yearbook along so that we can point to the subject as we bitch....that's gonna be our next gathering at Huiling's new bode. And it also helps as Haiyun can't seem to remember people as well as me, ahem!!

And I reli hope we din freak out the people at Essential's cos Haiyun was roaring and I reli mean roaring with hysteria that shook the whole place like an earthquake everytime I describe the subject of our discussion. Tink I must have been reaallly evil.

Glad that I met them, works well for the soul especially when you are 30 and feeling a little forlorn in life once in a while...great outing my dear gals and reli hope our next meetup will be real soon, and let's include more people, okie?

November 14, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Do you remember the good days when we send Christmas cards to each other? I kind of miss those days. I received 2 cards which I thought was quite great because I wasn't expecting to.

But I received tonnes of smses, bearing good wishes for Christmas and the New Year. Seriously I thought nothing of them because I always felt that I am just someone on someone else's address book. The message was not meant for me and only me. How egocentric can I get?

Until someone told me, "At least you get remembered...". Hmmmm...that's true, at least someone remembered me on a special day like this. How many times do we appreciate the fact that someone does remember us? How many times do we remember our friends? It's like we live such blessed lives that a small thing like this can't touch us any longer. "Count your blessings" was the thought that came right through me, like someone greater than me was reprimanding me in my head. I have taken things for granted, far too much. And, I don't remember myself sending out a greeting out of my own intiative, it was always in reply to someone's greeting. I squirm, in guilt and shame.

How fortunate of me to be remembered by so many people. And some of these messages came from people whom I have worked with and people who I've never really felt close to. But why do they remember me? I don't really don't know.

I feel a sense of affirmation, all given by them. They are affirming me as a person, in some of the ways they remember me for. They are affirming my presense, that somewhere in this world, I occupy a fraction of space in someone's heart and mind. And I think that is important.

I appreciate it now.