Pink Martini

I've Moved

2006-02-15T05:11:03+01:00

Checked out the xanga site a few days back...decided to move the blog..so i will not be writing here anymore...

see ya...

My Chocolate Truffles

2006-02-13T12:45:44+01:00

Attempted to make chocolate truffles for the first time and its a sucess. Though they don't look a wee bit like Godiva but they surely looked like "Gorilla", I mean droppings, haha.

Well...my mum said they looked like sour plum or "sng buay" as I was too slow and the melted chocolate started to thicken and resulted in textured coatings on the ganache.

But nonetheless, the lucky guy who I made them for said they tasted great (what else could he have said, really!) and I beamed with pride.

Have a look at my creation...

Comments

1 loss = 3 opportunities

2006-02-07T15:13:53+01:00

I was glad for Stan today as he smsed me news of his job hunt...At the same time, Sarah called him to tell him of the bad news. I told him, every loss means a new opportunity. And he was given 3 opportunities today!

Somtimes, we tend to dwell on the losses but forget what would come after. Without losing, how would one gain? And I truly believe that we lose some things to make us treasure what would come by later.

Don't we remember the times when we lose our favourite things, or we lose a chance to do something or we lose someone we love...

And how each loss spurred us on when the next opportunity arises?

Maybe that is the flaw in the human character, that we need to create some reference points before we know how to behave. We need to create the feeling of loss before we understand the meaning of gain. We need to be disappointed before we can get excited. We need to experience failure before we know the sweetness of sucess.

I have learnt this lesson well and hard. And I told myself that I will seize all opportunities that come by and put my best foot forward. I will tread carefully and not create another loss for myself, because I have already experienced it. But if I experience another loss, I will embrace it with courage and learn to move on.

Comments

zoom zoom

2006-02-07T07:12:23+01:00

Finally he replied to my email. I sent him about 3 weeks back in response to his posting.

I need a carpool desperately...thanks to staying in boony land. I can't imagine the consequences if I continued to report for work late or continued with my support to the taxi industry by contributing $16 per day for the trip to work. That comes up to $300 a month!!

It's like God sent...but all my friends cautioned me on this "too good to be true" offer.

"Why would anyone be so nice and offer to take you to work from your place for such a meagre amount?" they asked.

"But it is on the way, no detours, so the money is a bonus..." I retorted.

Anyway, against all good advice, I proceeded to meet my carpool friend, if I may consider him to be one. Though I assured all of friends and colleagues that I'll be alright, my heart was beating rapidly as I sat at the bus stop that we had agreed on as pick-up point.

I looked at my watch, it's 8am, the car would be here any minute. I scanned every car that drove my way, looking for a black mazda...

It is 805 and still no sign of it...I thought, could this guy be just a prankster?

Then the phone rang and he said he would be here soon...I heaved a sigh of relief...

The car arrived, I hopped on and we chatted the entire journey, exchanged business cards, I paid in advance for the month and I reached office at 840am. HURRAY! I am not late..and I don't have to start the day with guilt (cos that is how I feel when I have to fork out $16 for the cab fare, every morning)

It is a success!

Comments

Wassup With the Fireworks?

2006-02-06T11:24:39+01:00

Went to watch fireworks again at the Esplanade....

I am surprised that there is still a crowd even though it is on display everyday for the entire 15 days of Lunar New Year.

Anyway, I made up part of it that night.

I remember my childhood days of watching fireworks on National Day from the corridor of my flat. And my Dad would prepare his tripod and Nikon camera to capture the spectular scene. This happened year after year...and I realised that after almost 2 decades, I am still watching it with awe.

Why the fascination? I asked myself.

I looked around me and saw people of all ages. Looks like I am not the only one that remains fascinated by the display of lights in the dark sky.

I guess it is that feeling of not knowing what would the next display look like, that adds on to the fascination. Every firework display is different...and the same...Different in that the sequence, colours and the way it appears and fades out varies but the same in that they are just like splatters of water colours on the piece of dark paper.

It is also that weird feeling of watching the lights fall down from the sky that makes me want to see another display. Likening it to the scenario of beautiful things don't last long, its that moment in time...

And the magical thing is, no matter how short the display might be, I always feel like the whole world has stopped spinning, as I get lost in the sky...

Comments

Motherhood - The Ultimate Bliss

2006-02-03T06:24:54+01:00

My sis-in-law is pregnant. We are all elated...because it was a long awaited baby. It's funny how things come your way when you least expect it.

I am thrilled about the baby too, and I can feel my maternal instincts knocking. Suddenly, I ache to have one too. Its like a much coveted big ticket item that you just have to have it...Alas, its not as simple as walking into an LV boutique and paying for a bag.

As I busk in the bliss brought about by a pregnancy in the family, my mind is conjuring up images of myself as an "Aunty". I could pamper my niece or nephew with toys, clothes, books and take her/him out to the zoo, bird park, botanical gardens etc...I could apply my knowledge of an early childhood educator and plan endless engaging activities that will help in her/his total development. I can be a surrogate mother...I thought.

And just thinking about all these puts a wide smile on my face. Can you imagine if the baby is your own, wouldn't that be a million, billion, trillion times more blissful?

Coincidentally, baby is going to be due in late July which is so close to my birthday. Ha! I thought to myself, would baby be like me? I just feel a close affinity to baby even before she/he is born.

Let's wait and see...

Comments

Good Morning

2006-01-18T06:44:31+01:00

How many of us have the habit of saying "Good Morning" to those around us? Especially to our closed ones like parents, siblings and spouses? I noticed it is not something that is done commonly, even at workplaces where people just start off the day without greeting each other.

It is a blessing to be able to say "Good Morning" to the people around us. It signifies that we can still be with each other for another day and we should treasure that. There will be a day when we no longer can say it to some people or hear some people say it to us. So every "Good Morning" that we speak is paramount as it signifies the existence of life.

And as for me, I really mean it when I say "Good Morning", that I wish for the person to have a good start to the day so all will be smooth-sailing. And I would want to hear my loved ones say "Good Morning" to me and me saying to them for as long as I can.

Good Day...

Comments

Flightplan

2006-01-17T05:22:14+01:00

Nope, I'm not talking about the overly rated film starring Jodie Foster...

He told me that he's reapplying for it again. A job that will take him away on erratic schedules.

I thought to myself...why? Do I always have to love someone that is in a vocation that requires them to be physically unavailable? Am I being too selfish to speak about my fears of such a relationship? I can't go through all that again, I don't want to. But yet, I can't give up just like this.

Sounds too prematured to think about all these when the application hasn't gone through yet, and of course there will be the tedious rounds of interview before the decision needs to be made. I am just paranoid.

In my mind, I had so many options running through..plan A: Grit my teeth and bear with it. plan B: fight all the way, plan C: flight.

Don't we need to learn how to let him go when you love him? Cos when he returns to you, it means that he really loves you? Don't we need to let him do the things he likes if we love him because seeing him being happy is the best way of loving him.

I struggle, between selfless love and selfish love. Is there such a term really? Maybe love is selfless by nature. If that is the case, the option is clear.

It is another test again...

Comments

Losing Ground

2006-01-12T15:05:46+01:00

I was packing my old stuff today when I stumbled over some old photos. I saw myself in different stages of my life...there were pictures of me at friends' weddings, at work, and myself at my own wedding...

I was really bloated in some of the pictures as I recalled I was still recovering from an illness that required me to take drugs that puffed my face. It was a crisis then, I couldn't walk for a while and thought that I was gonna limp for the rest of my life. But the strong-willed nature in me just ain't gonna give up. And miraculously (I really thank God for this), I started to walk normally even though the doctors told me to stop hoping.

I looked beautiful in my wedding photos...it was aeons ago..I was truly happy then. Getting married was something I looked forward to. But as I looked at the pictures, I felt detached. I have learnt to detach myself from things that I needed, to protect myself. So much so that eventually I really got detached from it. Surviving this was not as easy as I thought. I've always thought myself as a strong person, being able to pick up and go. But this is probably the biggest test to my strength so far in my life and I am still figuring out why has it got that impact so huge that I am still nursing my wounds.

The contradictory part is that I was the one who wanted it this way. Thinking that I would feel better after it. True, I think I am happier in many ways now but there is this dark side to it that is hard to explain.

I guess it is losing that secure emotional attachment that is difficult to cope with. I have no feelings for that person now. Everyone needs to have some sort of emotional attachment to someone or something. It grounds us and helps us to focus on other parts of our lives. For me, I believe that having a home and someone to return to grounded me a lot then and I was able to excel in other parts of my life. And I believe the grounding did help me to recover from my illness which was something quite impossible at that time.

It has never been the same now. As much as I would like to live like I used to, I never seem to have the energy to do so. Some days, energy level would be so low that I would just be a recluse. I can't find the drive in my work and other things that I used to enjoy doing. I am not as positive as before and have even became an insecure person. I have lost that confidence that I used to have about myself and my life. It is like, I don't trust myself anymore, don't trust my own judgement and things I used to believe strongly about.

Guess it'll take me longer than "just a while" to return to my old self or maybe I wouldn't...

Comments

My New Year's Party

2006-01-02T04:14:57+01:00

The clock strucked 7 and the sky was still filled with dark clouds. I looked at my garden, it's wet with puddles and the chairs that I have nicely arranged are all drenched by the rain.

I thought to myself...the barbeque is ruined.

Then my first guest, Ryan, arrived. I was touched. With the downpour and the unearthly location of my home, I was worried that all my guests would not turn up for my New Year's Day barbeque. But everyone started to stream in, bringing fruits, cakes and lots of lots of wine.(my love for alcohol must have been widespread!)

The barbeque started steadily as groups of my friends came. My good old(no pun intended for old, please don't get sensitive) gals, Karen (not forgetting her family too), Belinda and Charmaine, Jo and Lian, Irene, Wendy and Wun (not Moon) settled comfortably in the living room and caught up amongst themselves. Thanks to you gals for really seeing me thru all these years, putting up with my nonsense, me getting drunk, listening to my life story, supporting my culinary adventure, and always being there for me.

Friends from my volunteer group came. Ryan (having the honour as my first guest), Joleena and Genevieve, Charmaine, and Suan represented the group where I derived lots of inspiration from.

My new friends from 2005, Desmond, Dharma and Esther who travelled across the island to get to my bode (efforts appreciated), Walter and not forgetting my lovely Swing. It was a great year together, roller blading, cycling, partying, eating and karaoking. Thank you!

And finally, Stan's team, Priscilla and Kenneth, Eugene and Shuyun, Kevin and Niko, Xinyi and Cliff, Samuel and Chee Wee, who enthusiastically came and went for a 2nd round at Fong Seng. Well, to this group of friends, who I have always enjoyed their company especially the drinking sessions cos drinking with you guys are really fun. Great conversations topics and I do enjoy hearing all of you bitch about your customers. (No, I am not bored hearing it.)

Thanks to everyone for gracing the occasion. It was a great way to touch base with everyone at the beginning of the year. And to all my other friends who had a drop too much on the eve and suffered a massive hangover (and missed my party), do take care and be well.

Not forgetting my dear Stan, who helped me prepare for the barbeque and fried the "Stan's Famous Fried Beehoon" to fill the hungry stomachs as the food cooked slowly on the pit. Thank you my dear.

Happy New Year, friends.

Comments

Thoughts of YesterYears

2006-01-02T03:38:10+01:00

As I sat watching the fireworks, my tears welled up in my eyes. I tried very hard to contain it ,hopefully they flow into my huge eyebags instead of trickling down my cheeks, but to no avail. Soon, my cheeks were wet.

Funny but this behaviour doesn't seem to go with the crowd as everyone cheered and clapped in welcome of the New Year. I was mixed, with overwhelming feelings of relief, thankfulness and anticipation. Relief, for the ending of 2005 as it was a year full of changes. I'm talking about huge changes, with my life going a full circle and back to starting point. Thankfulness, for the great friendship, love and acceptance that I had from my family and friends, that helped me pull through the difficult times. And anticipation of a great year ahead, wishing in my heart, the best for everyone around me as I relish the blessings bestowed by them.

It is hard to explain, even to my loved ones why do I feel so emotional about New Year's Eve. It's a day of significance for me as I recalled the night I plucked up the courage to leave the things behind and walked towards a new lease of life. Guess every New Year's Eve would bring me memories of that fateful night where my actions caused so much hurt, pain and disbelief in my loved ones. Its over now and I should just put it behind.

And to 2005, thanks for the great lessons and trials that you have put me through for I believe that I have become stronger now. You will always be remembered and will serve as my source of reminder for my life ahead.

Comments

My Archive Blogs

2005-12-27T11:31:24+01:00

Let It Go
I was waiting for a cab this morning as I was late for work (due to the drinks last night, hehe). As I was waiting, a lady walked right in front of me and acted like I was transparent. I am a frequent (maybe an under statement) cab-taker and I will ALWAYS ask the people standing around or observe if they are waiting too and will NEVER cut their queue though we are not at a taxi stand. Then a cab pulled over at the lights and she conveniently took it even though she saw me. I was about to spout expletives (of course, silently in my head) then suddenly a voice in my head said "Hey, its Christmas. Let's be more forgiving. And maybe she does have a reason more urgent than yours." And with that voice, I felt myself softening and thought: "Oh well...its alright. I'll just wait."

Funnily, after about 3 minutes, the lady came out of the cab and waved to me, signaling for me to get on the cab. I was perplexed but still walked towards the cab and got onto it. Then the cab driver explained that the lady wanted to go to a school but doesn't have the address and both of them don't know where exactly it is. That's why she got down.

I thought, but the driver could have looked at the street directory right? Anyway, I was taken aback as I could just see the power of letting go and receiving happening there and then.

I think, many times in our lives, we choose to begrudge or bear negative thoughts about the people who did us wrong. But, unknowingly, these 'wrong' doings caused by them probably happened for a reason so that we will learn something from the experience. By forgiving and letting go, we may receive more than we expect to. Definitely more than whatever we get out of holding on to it for the rest of lives.

Sometimes, its just something very small, like in our daily interaction with people around us, like when someone shoves us in crowded places, or when someone has been rude to us, or when someone passes unkind remarks, to bigger things like betrayal, hurt, rejection, abandonment...

Imagine yourself as a closed bottle, all filled up with grudges and negative thoughts for everything that didn't go well....one day, this bottle will burst as the pressure built up is too great and out will fly all the things buried over the years...can you imagine the impact of that, it will be amplified a million times and you might become or do something that is beyond your own control.

So I've decided to think twice next time before I bitch about someone (which I did for 4 times last night...sorry) because letting go and forgiving might yield better results.

To a no-more-bitching Christmas and New Year to come, hohoho...

December 23, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)

I Love Christmas!
Christmas is my favourite time of the year, minus the jam packed MRT and shopping malls in Orchard. I love Christmas because we celebrate it as a family tradition. I love the anticipation of guessing what's my present and watching it under the tree as I count down. I love the carols. I love the candles. I love putting up the Christmas tree (can't say the same about taking it down..) and I love the togetherness of the family.

I love Christmas too because I have many memories for some of my past Christmases. Happy ones, sad ones, endearing ones.....but the worst one has got to be last year, and I vow never to spend another Christmas that way.

I'm glad that this Christmas will be better though it will be somewhat different with the passing of my Grandma and the relocation of my brother and sister-in-law. It will be seemingly quieter with fewer of us at home. But I have someone dear to spend it with me and this is the greatest present and I really don't need anything else. Though Christmas is a time for presents but I really think the greatest gift is to have your family and friends to be with you at this time of the year. A bonus will be to have someone special

So instead of scurrying around for gifts, do remember the greatest gift you can give is your time and presence to your loved ones. That will be the best you can give especially if you haven't been giving them your time the whole of this year. Have a heartwarming Christmas dinner at home and give thanks to each other.

And to all my friends and loved ones (and foes), I wish for you, peace, love and blessings for all Christmases to come.

December 18, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)

SMS-A blessed invention?
Can't help but feel so sad and mad for a friend whose relationship ended via an SMS. Can you beat that???? Have human beings become so lazy that they can't convey an important message with a call but they send short messages.

To me, its a total disrespect of any human relationship, that it should be taken so sloppily and was not worth even a one minute call to explain why things can't work out. I respect the fact that sometimes things just ain't gonna work out. Fair. But not having the courtesy to at least tell the person, even if it is a call, is totally unacceptable.

Or is this great invention of our decade causing a decadence in our values? Thought I read somewhere that in the press that a man apparently divorced his wife via SMS. What atrocity!!! The institution of love and marriage surely deserved more than this? I can only attribute the behaviour to a few factors. First of all, the guy must have been so ashamed that he has no guts to speak those words so he used the sms? Maybe, he is such a jerk so he thinks that that is the best he could do? Or perhaps, he is just so into the SMS culture that he thinks it is perfectly fine to do so? I certainly hope its the first two as they are the better possibilities between the devil and the deep blue sea. Else, we would have to start worrying what will this SMS culture translate into.

I have came across families that do not speak with one another in the house. They SMS. Maybe they are just trying to make full use of the free SMSes provided by the telephone company. Haha...how blatant. How difficult can it get to speak to one another if you are all living under the same roof? And I am not talking about that kind of deep conversation where you need to bare your soul. Its merely plain everyday routine questions like 'Are you having dinner at home?" etc. Are we trying to encourage non-verbal communication? What would our kids turn out to be? Can't verbalise their thoughts without their fingers on the buttons?

Surely you have met people who are so witty in their sms but can't say a proper sentence to you when they see you? I must say that practice makes perfect and if we do not start practicing how to speak to each other, I am afraid this aspect of socialisation would soon be lost to the easier counterpart - the SMS. Imagine a day where the parliament will be conducted with each desk with key pads and the MPs keying their inputs via SMS and transmitted to the screen.

So, is the SMS a blessed invention? I beg to differ.

December 15, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)

The Euphoria of Love
Falling in love is the most intense feeling that a human being can ever feel. I call it the EUPHORIA. It makes you smile all day, lose focus on everything else but your beau, looks good and most all of behaves like the whole world is just you and him/her.

I guess everyone just like me enjoys this 'high' but I think the hardest part to cope with is coming back to Earth. What happens when the euphoria is gone and goes off at different speeds for both of you. Painful.....

But we all need to come back to Earth. How do we live a life not focusing on anything but your partners? We are not living in heaven, at least not yet. Hopefully, when I go to heaven, I will have nothing to focus on but love. Coming back to Earth is like the most cruel phase of loving someone. Suddenly, all those silly things that you do for each other seem to be really silly now. Not before though....I often wish that the euphoria would last as long as it could be...cos I am one who lives by love...

December 13, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Reunion

Met up with Haiyun and Huiling at Essential Brew, the cool tea cafe at Holland Village. When Haiyun said Huiling was joining us, I was thinking that its the 'small' Huiling that was from the Arts class. My-my, when i saw Huiling, I was pleasantly surprised. I haven't seen her for 13years!!!! And who said Singapore's a small island, why din i bump into her since we left school?

We started to bitch about the good old days and who we hated in TKGS, teachers and classmates alike...no one was spared from our vivid description of their hideous behaviour...and with me around, having a superb memory stick in my CPU, I could provide the fun bits that included cruel nicknames like 'bulldog' and 'zhujiao'. Those who have been in TKGS would surely know who am I talking about, keke....(that is if they belong to my era)

Its so amazing as we talked about our lives as a teen like it was just yesterday...some of us made it, some of us made it even bigger, becoming celebrities (some sort lah, think Audrey would be please that I classify her under this group...) We agreed that the whole work would have been perfect if we have brought our yearbook along so that we can point to the subject as we bitch....that's gonna be our next gathering at Huiling's new bode. And it also helps as Haiyun can't seem to remember people as well as me, ahem!!

And I reli hope we din freak out the people at Essential's cos Haiyun was roaring and I reli mean roaring with hysteria that shook the whole place like an earthquake everytime I describe the subject of our discussion. Tink I must have been reaallly evil.

Glad that I met them, works well for the soul especially when you are 30 and feeling a little forlorn in life once in a while...great outing my dear gals and reli hope our next meetup will be real soon, and let's include more people, okie?

November 14, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Comments

Be Remembered

2005-12-27T10:40:00+01:00

Do you remember the good days when we send Christmas cards to each other? I kind of miss those days. I received 2 cards which I thought was quite great because I wasn't expecting to.

But I received tonnes of smses, bearing good wishes for Christmas and the New Year. Seriously I thought nothing of them because I always felt that I am just someone on someone else's address book. The message was not meant for me and only me. How egocentric can I get?

Until someone told me, "At least you get remembered...". Hmmmm...that's true, at least someone remembered me on a special day like this. How many times do we appreciate the fact that someone does remember us? How many times do we remember our friends? It's like we live such blessed lives that a small thing like this can't touch us any longer. "Count your blessings" was the thought that came right through me, like someone greater than me was reprimanding me in my head. I have taken things for granted, far too much. And, I don't remember myself sending out a greeting out of my own intiative, it was always in reply to someone's greeting. I squirm, in guilt and shame.

How fortunate of me to be remembered by so many people. And some of these messages came from people whom I have worked with and people who I've never really felt close to. But why do they remember me? I don't really don't know.

I feel a sense of affirmation, all given by them. They are affirming me as a person, in some of the ways they remember me for. They are affirming my presense, that somewhere in this world, I occupy a fraction of space in someone's heart and mind. And I think that is important.

I appreciate it now.

Comments