I was packing my old stuff today when I stumbled over some old photos. I saw myself in different stages of my life...there were pictures of me at friends' weddings, at work, and myself at my own wedding...
I was really bloated in some of the pictures as I recalled I was still recovering from an illness that required me to take drugs that puffed my face. It was a crisis then, I couldn't walk for a while and thought that I was gonna limp for the rest of my life. But the strong-willed nature in me just ain't gonna give up. And miraculously (I really thank God for this), I started to walk normally even though the doctors told me to stop hoping.
I looked beautiful in my wedding photos...it was aeons ago..I was truly happy then. Getting married was something I looked forward to. But as I looked at the pictures, I felt detached. I have learnt to detach myself from things that I needed, to protect myself. So much so that eventually I really got detached from it. Surviving this was not as easy as I thought. I've always thought myself as a strong person, being able to pick up and go. But this is probably the biggest test to my strength so far in my life and I am still figuring out why has it got that impact so huge that I am still nursing my wounds.
The contradictory part is that I was the one who wanted it this way. Thinking that I would feel better after it. True, I think I am happier in many ways now but there is this dark side to it that is hard to explain.
I guess it is losing that secure emotional attachment that is difficult to cope with. I have no feelings for that person now. Everyone needs to have some sort of emotional attachment to someone or something. It grounds us and helps us to focus on other parts of our lives. For me, I believe that having a home and someone to return to grounded me a lot then and I was able to excel in other parts of my life. And I believe the grounding did help me to recover from my illness which was something quite impossible at that time.
It has never been the same now. As much as I would like to live like I used to, I never seem to have the energy to do so. Some days, energy level would be so low that I would just be a recluse. I can't find the drive in my work and other things that I used to enjoy doing. I am not as positive as before and have even became an insecure person. I have lost that confidence that I used to have about myself and my life. It is like, I don't trust myself anymore, don't trust my own judgement and things I used to believe strongly about.
Guess it'll take me longer than "just a while" to return to my old self or maybe I wouldn't...