Pink Martini

Checked out the xanga site a few days back...decided to move the blog..so i will not be writing here anymore...

visit me at www.xanga.com/reenreen218

see ya...

Attempted to make chocolate truffles for the first time and its a sucess. Though they don't look a wee bit like Godiva but they surely looked like "Gorilla", I mean droppings, haha.

Well...my mum said they looked like sour plum or "sng buay" as I was too slow and the melted chocolate started to thicken and resulted in textured coatings on the ganache.

But nonetheless, the lucky guy who I made them for said they tasted great (what else could he have said, really!) and I beamed with pride.

Have a look at my creation...

I was glad for Stan today as he smsed me news of his job hunt...At the same time, Sarah called him to tell him of the bad news. I told him, every loss means a new opportunity. And he was given 3 opportunities today!

Somtimes, we tend to dwell on the losses but forget what would come after. Without losing, how would one gain? And I truly believe that we lose some things to make us treasure what would come by later.

Don't we remember the times when we lose our favourite things, or we lose a chance to do something or we lose someone we love...

And how each loss spurred us on when the next opportunity arises?

Maybe that is the flaw in the human character, that we need to create some reference points before we know how to behave. We need to create the feeling of loss before we understand the meaning of gain. We need to be disappointed before we can get excited. We need to experience failure before we know the sweetness of sucess.

I have learnt this lesson well and hard. And I told myself that I will seize all opportunities that come by and put my best foot forward. I will tread carefully and not create another loss for myself, because I have already experienced it. But if I experience another loss, I will embrace it with courage and learn to move on.

Finally he replied to my email. I sent him about 3 weeks back in response to his posting.

I need a carpool desperately...thanks to staying in boony land. I can't imagine the consequences if I continued to report for work late or continued with my support to the taxi industry by contributing $16 per day for the trip to work. That comes up to $300 a month!!

It's like God sent...but all my friends cautioned me on this "too good to be true" offer.

"Why would anyone be so nice and offer to take you to work from your place for such a meagre amount?" they asked.

"But it is on the way, no detours, so the money is a bonus..." I retorted.

Anyway, against all good advice, I proceeded to meet my carpool friend, if I may consider him to be one. Though I assured all of friends and colleagues that I'll be alright, my heart was beating rapidly as I sat at the bus stop that we had agreed on as pick-up point.

I looked at my watch, it's 8am, the car would be here any minute. I scanned every car that drove my way, looking for a black mazda...

It is 805 and still no sign of it...I thought, could this guy be just a prankster?

Then the phone rang and he said he would be here soon...I heaved a sigh of relief...

The car arrived, I hopped on and we chatted the entire journey, exchanged business cards, I paid in advance for the month and I reached office at 840am. HURRAY! I am not late..and I don't have to start the day with guilt (cos that is how I feel when I have to fork out $16 for the cab fare, every morning)

It is a success!

Went to watch fireworks again at the Esplanade....

I am surprised that there is still a crowd even though it is on display everyday for the entire 15 days of Lunar New Year.

Anyway, I made up part of it that night.

I remember my childhood days of watching fireworks on National Day from the corridor of my flat. And my Dad would prepare his tripod and Nikon camera to capture the spectular scene. This happened year after year...and I realised that after almost 2 decades, I am still watching it with awe.

Why the fascination? I asked myself.

I looked around me and saw people of all ages. Looks like I am not the only one that remains fascinated by the display of lights in the dark sky.

I guess it is that feeling of not knowing what would the next display look like, that adds on to the fascination. Every firework display is different...and the same...Different in that the sequence, colours and the way it appears and fades out varies but the same in that they are just like splatters of water colours on the piece of dark paper.

It is also that weird feeling of watching the lights fall down from the sky that makes me want to see another display. Likening it to the scenario of beautiful things don't last long, its that moment in time...

And the magical thing is, no matter how short the display might be, I always feel like the whole world has stopped spinning, as I get lost in the sky...

My sis-in-law is pregnant. We are all elated...because it was a long awaited baby. It's funny how things come your way when you least expect it.

I am thrilled about the baby too, and I can feel my maternal instincts knocking. Suddenly, I ache to have one too. Its like a much coveted big ticket item that you just have to have it...Alas, its not as simple as walking into an LV boutique and paying for a bag.

As I busk in the bliss brought about by a pregnancy in the family, my mind is conjuring up images of myself as an "Aunty". I could pamper my niece or nephew with toys, clothes, books and take her/him out to the zoo, bird park, botanical gardens etc...I could apply my knowledge of an early childhood educator and plan endless engaging activities that will help in her/his total development. I can be a surrogate mother...I thought.

And just thinking about all these puts a wide smile on my face. Can you imagine if the baby is your own, wouldn't that be a million, billion, trillion times more blissful?

Coincidentally, baby is going to be due in late July which is so close to my birthday. Ha! I thought to myself, would baby be like me? I just feel a close affinity to baby even before she/he is born.

Let's wait and see...

How many of us have the habit of saying "Good Morning" to those around us? Especially to our closed ones like parents, siblings and spouses? I noticed it is not something that is done commonly, even at workplaces where people just start off the day without greeting each other.

It is a blessing to be able to say "Good Morning" to the people around us. It signifies that we can still be with each other for another day and we should treasure that. There will be a day when we no longer can say it to some people or hear some people say it to us. So every "Good Morning" that we speak is paramount as it signifies the existence of life.

And as for me, I really mean it when I say "Good Morning", that I wish for the person to have a good start to the day so all will be smooth-sailing. And I would want to hear my loved ones say "Good Morning" to me and me saying to them for as long as I can.

Good Day...

Nope, I'm not talking about the overly rated film starring Jodie Foster...

He told me that he's reapplying for it again. A job that will take him away on erratic schedules.

I thought to myself...why? Do I always have to love someone that is in a vocation that requires them to be physically unavailable? Am I being too selfish to speak about my fears of such a relationship? I can't go through all that again, I don't want to. But yet, I can't give up just like this.

Sounds too prematured to think about all these when the application hasn't gone through yet, and of course there will be the tedious rounds of interview before the decision needs to be made. I am just paranoid.

In my mind, I had so many options running through..plan A: Grit my teeth and bear with it. plan B: fight all the way, plan C: flight.

Don't we need to learn how to let him go when you love him? Cos when he returns to you, it means that he really loves you? Don't we need to let him do the things he likes if we love him because seeing him being happy is the best way of loving him.

I struggle, between selfless love and selfish love. Is there such a term really? Maybe love is selfless by nature. If that is the case, the option is clear.

It is another test again...

I was packing my old stuff today when I stumbled over some old photos. I saw myself in different stages of my life...there were pictures of me at friends' weddings, at work, and myself at my own wedding...

I was really bloated in some of the pictures as I recalled I was still recovering from an illness that required me to take drugs that puffed my face. It was a crisis then, I couldn't walk for a while and thought that I was gonna limp for the rest of my life. But the strong-willed nature in me just ain't gonna give up. And miraculously (I really thank God for this), I started to walk normally even though the doctors told me to stop hoping.

I looked beautiful in my wedding photos...it was aeons ago..I was truly happy then. Getting married was something I looked forward to. But as I looked at the pictures, I felt detached. I have learnt to detach myself from things that I needed, to protect myself. So much so that eventually I really got detached from it. Surviving this was not as easy as I thought. I've always thought myself as a strong person, being able to pick up and go. But this is probably the biggest test to my strength so far in my life and I am still figuring out why has it got that impact so huge that I am still nursing my wounds.

The contradictory part is that I was the one who wanted it this way. Thinking that I would feel better after it. True, I think I am happier in many ways now but there is this dark side to it that is hard to explain.

I guess it is losing that secure emotional attachment that is difficult to cope with. I have no feelings for that person now. Everyone needs to have some sort of emotional attachment to someone or something. It grounds us and helps us to focus on other parts of our lives. For me, I believe that having a home and someone to return to grounded me a lot then and I was able to excel in other parts of my life. And I believe the grounding did help me to recover from my illness which was something quite impossible at that time.

It has never been the same now. As much as I would like to live like I used to, I never seem to have the energy to do so. Some days, energy level would be so low that I would just be a recluse. I can't find the drive in my work and other things that I used to enjoy doing. I am not as positive as before and have even became an insecure person. I have lost that confidence that I used to have about myself and my life. It is like, I don't trust myself anymore, don't trust my own judgement and things I used to believe strongly about.

Guess it'll take me longer than "just a while" to return to my old self or maybe I wouldn't...

The clock strucked 7 and the sky was still filled with dark clouds. I looked at my garden, it's wet with puddles and the chairs that I have nicely arranged are all drenched by the rain.

I thought to myself...the barbeque is ruined.

Then my first guest, Ryan, arrived. I was touched. With the downpour and the unearthly location of my home, I was worried that all my guests would not turn up for my New Year's Day barbeque. But everyone started to stream in, bringing fruits, cakes and lots of lots of wine.(my love for alcohol must have been widespread!)

The barbeque started steadily as groups of my friends came. My good old(no pun intended for old, please don't get sensitive) gals, Karen (not forgetting her family too), Belinda and Charmaine, Jo and Lian, Irene, Wendy and Wun (not Moon) settled comfortably in the living room and caught up amongst themselves. Thanks to you gals for really seeing me thru all these years, putting up with my nonsense, me getting drunk, listening to my life story, supporting my culinary adventure, and always being there for me.

Friends from my volunteer group came. Ryan (having the honour as my first guest), Joleena and Genevieve, Charmaine, and Suan represented the group where I derived lots of inspiration from.

My new friends from 2005, Desmond, Dharma and Esther who travelled across the island to get to my bode (efforts appreciated), Walter and not forgetting my lovely Swing. It was a great year together, roller blading, cycling, partying, eating and karaoking. Thank you!

And finally, Stan's team, Priscilla and Kenneth, Eugene and Shuyun, Kevin and Niko, Xinyi and Cliff, Samuel and Chee Wee, who enthusiastically came and went for a 2nd round at Fong Seng. Well, to this group of friends, who I have always enjoyed their company especially the drinking sessions cos drinking with you guys are really fun. Great conversations topics and I do enjoy hearing all of you bitch about your customers. (No, I am not bored hearing it.)

Thanks to everyone for gracing the occasion. It was a great way to touch base with everyone at the beginning of the year. And to all my other friends who had a drop too much on the eve and suffered a massive hangover (and missed my party), do take care and be well.

Not forgetting my dear Stan, who helped me prepare for the barbeque and fried the "Stan's Famous Fried Beehoon" to fill the hungry stomachs as the food cooked slowly on the pit. Thank you my dear.

Happy New Year, friends.